June 12, 2012

Day 1000

I decided to post this like my first post, instead on my normal old papers. I’m just wanting to come full circle here.
9:47 AM
It’s my littlest brothers sixteenth birthday today. I can hear everyone wishing him a happy birthday downstairs as he swings his lanky arms and legs into the kitchen. It’s nearing the end of his awkward years. I’ve been picking at my lips all morning, so much so that they’re bleeding in three different places. I’m very nervous about today. We’ll be celebrating the birth of one thing and the death of another.
This day is probably the most anticlimactic day I have ever experienced in my entire life- I’m not exaggerating one bit. I think back at pivotal moments in my lifetime and I can always remember the butterflies in my stomach, the slight tightness of my throat, and the strain to keep my eyes from shaking- but this day, this event, I don’t feel any of those strangely comforting symptoms. I think that is what most concerns me.
I talked to one of my very best friends about this just a few days ago. She has recently finished writing a book- a great book, and when I told her the reality of my situation she said she could relate completely. She said, “I was most happy and excited about my book right in the middle of it. Toward the end I just didn’t want it to . . . end.” In the middle of my project I was dealing with death in the family, so I wasn’t really feeling a rush of excitement every time I posted a photo, but somewhere in these one thousand days I remember those feelings. Feelings of YES! Now I just feel tired. I started to think it was my age that was causing this, but I don’t think it’s my age anymore, it’s the age of my project. With Little Sound is old, and time to be put away.
But not without a little reflection, right? One must reflect on things before they tuck them back into their hearts. When I look at these photos so much more is triggered than any other viewer. I think this body of work is really intended for just one person, although I feel so very blessed that people are interested in seeing it as well. Really though, isn’t that how it is for any artist?
Let me tell you everything the photos won’t- I choose to be happy.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad. For the past year and a half my husband and I have been trying to have another baby. It’s time to involve doctors. I haven’t shared this info with anyone outside of my close circle of friends because I have been ashamed to admit that I am upset at not being able to have more children, when I have two beautiful children already. But, I wanted to share this with you, the viewer, so that you knew about a hardship that I could not convey through my work. I say could not, but I really mean will not- I will not convey it through my work. Why? Because, like I said, I was ashamed, but more because I don’t want the sadness to rule over me. This struggle is something I think about every single day, something that I have thought about at least five hundred days out of this project. but I will not let it define me.
This got me to thinking about all the other moments I don’t share with the viewer. If you really think about it I am only showing you on average 1/160 of a second out of my entire day. What about all the other 85,000 seconds. What am I doing? I don’t think I could even tell you if I wanted to. I am just existing I assume.

2:03 PM
I’m fully dressed and just finished lunch. The trees are blowing real hard. They swing differently than the trees in Ohio, more lazily, more like how I feel being here on the island.
My first attempt at a final image was crushed in the wee hours of the morning when Aaron and I woke up to find that it was a rainy, cloudy, day. So much for a sunrise shot and the idea of getting this day over with early. I fell back into bed and refused to think about my nonexistent plan B. The most common question I have received over this whole project is, “Do you know what your image of the day will be?” I never know what the image will be. Most of the time I don’t even know what it’s going to be until I am making it. Rarely do I take a photo and then instantly know it’s the one. But, for today I wanted to have something planned. I wanted to be pregnant and announce it this way, I wanted to be in the ocean at sunrise facing away from you, I wanted to take a photo like any other day, I wanted to say nothing with this photo, and I wanted to say everything with this photo. It’s too much pressure, that’s for sure.
Aaron is blaring Joni Michell’s Blue album downstairs, he knows what I need right now. My old man keeping away my blues . . .
I still don’t have a clue what my photo is going to be today.

12:47 AM (technically the next day)
I guess my first final day was June 10th, but then somehow it changed to the 12th. I had totally forgotten until today. I have never based my “days’ on the actual clock. My days have always run from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Some days have gotten so jumbled up I can’t keep them straight; hence the strange numbering found on my blog every once in a while. I attempted to make calendars but lost count, or interest, or something, and never ended up making an official WLS calendar. I believe the largest gap I went without posting anything was ten days. That was a mess, but so was my life. All I remember is being very exhausted. Now I am a different kind of exhausted. A good exhausted, going to bed feeling happy and excited for what is to come. And what is to come? Hopefully sooner or later a baby, a new house, good friends, a book perhaps, trips to new worlds, weddings, nail painting, school days, kicking leaves, smells of the Indian food cooking in our next door neighbors garage, clotheslines, waffles, bike riding, learning to fish, white Christmas trees, growing older and living. Living on and on until He calls me home. At least now I know that I will not be forgotten. I suppose I have left my mark and now it is time to move on. 
There it is, now watch what happens ;)


I am having trouble pushing the publish button.